subsoil ([info]subsoil) wrote,
@ 2008-10-01 16:22:00
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Current mood:happy birthday, m.
Current music:honey, cotes-du-rhone

genuinely curious
so at the risk of sounding awfully ridiculous:

how would you like to be living your life? assume you've the drive, the assistance,
the space, the time, the collaboration, the whatever. be as idealistic & as
thorough as you'd like. add things as you think of them. or, uh, don't.

comments screened, unless you'd rather not. lots of x, i hope we all talk soon.


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[info]subsoil
2008-10-03 02:19 am UTC (link)
++see i think the trouble comes when i feel the living in question involves a closed loop, when the exchange is there but it doesn't open outward, it doesn't have sides that're ABLE to open outward. that's, i think, what i mean when i talk way down below about acknowledging a future... that sense of there being an opening, a desire to open.

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i don't care if it's screened
[info]rabbitlight
2008-10-01 09:25 pm UTC (link)
Live in a VW van with my cat. Drive around the country and visit all my friends who live so far away from each other, be able to spend an extended period of time with them. Camp in the national parks and sleep under the stars. Have a tiny clamshell proof press to print on in the van and make books. Make the rounds of the national book shows and sell my books. Trade books to folks for food and cat nip and gasoline. Practice magic. Love bigger love harder love stronger and wider.

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Re: i don't care if it's screened
[info]subsoil
2008-10-03 01:57 am UTC (link)
would you prefer all the people you care about be close at hand, or do you think that some friendships/persons need that sort of space in them?

how has it been for you, having many of the people you love the most spend so much time away? i mean, rich? &yr sis is close at hand but the others --- do you feel solid that way? do you think you ever want it to change?

i think i love harder now but i love fewer. i don't speak so much, really. i'm just starting to rebuild dialogue with a smaller number & it's, i don't know, things that already have time built into them. i guess this question is something like, do you love the way you used to, do you love as quickly. do you feel the world is a bigger or smaller place.

how do you feel about being rooted in a home?

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Re: i don't care if it's screened
[info]rabbitlight
2008-10-03 04:29 pm UTC (link)
Lilli's shipping out in January, so she won't be around too much longer. I need a lot of time alone (or, if not alone, someone who respects my need to Focus and Work) and I also constantly need motion. It's hard to have everyone so far away, but it works for the way I live. I guess if I could change anything it would be good to have a companion who loves motion the way I do, who would be comfortable Working along side of me. But it doesn't feel like it's the right time for me for that, I'm still very much learning the best ways for me to exist as my Self.

I am intense in my relationships and it's difficult for me to have friendships where we just "hang out" (though one has come into my life recently and it's been amazing), it just feels like wasted time. Most people get exhausted by that so it's probably good on their end that I just come around every now and then for short bursts.

I might have to think and email you about the love thing, because it's complicated and involves astrology (ho ho).

It's funny you would say rooted.... Whenever I imagine my "home" it's always in a treehouse. I like the idea of having a home to return to. It's getting tiring to move all my crap, my books and supplies, all the goddamn time. I'd like to have somewhere to fly back to after going wherever I need to go. This is a very new craving. By the time I start having children I want to have a stable location (treehouse babies? i hope so).

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Re: i don't care if it's screened
[info]subsoil
2008-10-08 08:29 pm UTC (link)
where's lilli going & is that going to be a good thing? i mean? it does seem like you need alone time, but also like alone time can be dangerous. i hope that doesn't sound condescending, i think you know what i mean.

i don't think i have any regular "hang out" friends but that's just because i can't find many nearby. tho "hanging out" to me implies discussion (is that what hanging out is really?)? which i'm a fan of, & which is probably how i do most of my thinking. it's actually a new thing for me to come anywhere near balancing my mental activity with my physical activity/output, as far as private interests go, & i still think i'm a ways off on that; it's still so hard for me to figure out what my work is. if i try to be 3rd-party objective about it i think that i probably seem productive with my time, i accomplish a great deal throughout the week, etc., but so much of it is related to job-work instead of life-work, which is really dissatisfying. i also realized recently i've always had a sort of obsessive fear that secretly i am lazy. i mean, i don't ACT lazy, i'm not lazy with my time, i do things, whatever, but i think i've always been afraid that if i let myself i would just not ever do anything (or that when it comes down to worthwhile investments i don't really do anything?) & that that is a really terrible thing, which i'm sure is debatable anyway but UGH.

moving is fucking obnoxious, i have Things i like to keep near me & that i spend a great deal of time learning ideal arrangements of & but every time i move i just want to toss it all... but then i also feel like there's a lot of worth in the process, a lot of assessment of & interaction w/ the materials making up yr surroundings. i like your treehouse thought, a haven removed & above instead of a holding to the earth. i think i knew you want to have kids? but that is still just so strange. baby jslyns, oh wow.

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[info]subsoil
2008-10-03 02:08 am UTC (link)
do you think that having a "real job" (i waitress/bartend & work a low-paying job w/kids, so, like, anything else is a "real job") & being financially safe & having easy mobility (etc!) would lead to you wanting other things in yr life as well, or would it just lead to yr further shaping how you function with the aforementioned.. & then just enjoying the rest as richly free time? is the transport thing so you don't have to drive as much, & if so is that like a goal thing for conservation reasons & if so do you have others? do you want more time by yrself or more time w/the jon or both, or other people too? do you spend time with many other people?

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[info]subsoil
2008-10-08 09:14 pm UTC (link)
i don't have any "grand aspirations" either? & i talked to jslyn above about my hyperfreakout over the lack of energy/motivation thing... but then on the other hand i think i have this idea that there's a huge difference between what i should "do" & the person i should "be" in ways that are really hazy & difficult to approach - i can do a ton of things i consider important, but because i worry i'm secretly compensating for mega-bougie inclinations it doesn't count, or something. i'm not sure what i'm expecting to fill the gap between my life & my self, or why i expect it to be filled.

driving is terrifying. enough said.

what're yr local girls like? are you planning to make me soap? did you find out what was up w/yr family health history?

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[info]subsoil
2008-10-03 01:45 am UTC (link)
see, i feel like i have so much room right now & am trying to figure out what i want in that room. there's israel - !; we're putting together what looks to be a very productive garden for the winter & following spring, our grey water's going outside, we both cut down hours at work, between composting & recycling we haven't filled a trash can in weeks, have decent savings, these ridiculous meals & our french reds & i feel absolutely perfect after some of those meals just sitting there with him, you know, & it's like i have time now to think about how i want to live, what i want living to be.

have been debating what things i consider meaningful in a life (so many italics!), & why or why not, & whether there are things i should watch for. we have good friends who mostly just work part-time but really cool jobs, live month to month, make music, regularly run&produce labels / albums / murals / shows / dj sets / bonfires whatever, frequently collaborate on each other's projects, etc., & have done so for decades, late 30's & 40's --- & i don't know, we hang out for a day or so & i wanna go home. &i feel like that has more to do with ME than with them, but still i feel like there's so much TIME now, i ought to think about it.

lately i've been starting to think that what i consider meaningful largely involves the sort of living/thinking that acknowledges there being a future. i mean, i think that's what we're all doing with the decisions we make: we're trying to act in such a way that at least avoids detracting from that future. there's a nod ahead there somewhere. but i can't figure out what that says about what a meaningful LIFE would be (i've evidently switched from italics to caps?), & it feels incredible stretching beyond these moments even when the moments are so good --- but i'm getting really curious about how people want to live their lives, & what things would satisfy them. because i'm not sure i know that about myself, after all, & i'm not sure if it matters.

so anyway! this is basically the email i was going to send you i think. so glad you're well, m. i'm ready to go curl up & read soon. nightnightx!

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[info]subsoil
2008-10-03 02:21 am UTC (link)
hey also guys lemme know if you want me to switch over to email or screen comment responses or whatever. talking about lives is weird & i'm asking millions of questions.

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[info]subsoil
2008-10-05 03:40 am UTC (link)
take yr time, a; it's tiring stuff. that's the bummer (kinda joke!) about even temporary escapes from debilitating depression, suicidal brain murk, overpowering drug addiction, whatev - all of a sudden there's way more shit to think about than just attempting to stay alive.

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[info]subsoil
2008-10-08 08:33 pm UTC (link)
?!?!??! what?? where're you going? & when? & jeez kid give me warning next time; we've been debating heading out in december anyway, we could've worked something. & also how can i buy yr last two zines? i google searched you today looking for MHV & found the guardian article you were quoted in & laughed about you being in the career section. you were in the CAREER SECTION because you have a CAREER. weirdo.

love you back weirdo x

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