subsoil ([info]subsoil) wrote,
@ 2005-03-25 06:39:00
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okay, so i just cut my friends list drastically (considering multiple accounts i guess down to maybe 15 of you?) and even though i realize it's inane lj politics i still feel like i need to say something about it.. which is basically that i have been a horrible friend lately to people i care about a whole lot, and i really can't justify not trying to shrink my focus to those who are really important right now.

anyone who has been on my list thing at any point in time was there because i think he/she is a fantastic, talented person and i STILL think you're really neat and have bookmarked your lj to check out in the future when i am more capable of that sort of thing... but i am probably removing you because i don't think we're very close or are going to be very close or even that you want to be very close, and i'm realizing i can't afford to have distractions like that overwhelming me to a point that it contributes to my being a bad friend to people who i have that closeness with now.

this sounds too complicated. the point is that i like all of you guys, and even though it's just livejournal? i don't want any hard feelings bouncing around out there in the internet world; this is just me trying to get back on track.

part two to this is that i really, really am SO SORRY to the rest of you because i've been completely horrid lately and i don't know how to fix it except by trying to straighten out some of my own tangled mess of thread before being in more frequent contact with other people again (i think sometimes, feeling really alone can help clarify things). i like you guys probably more than i should for your being "internet friends," but that's because i consider you to be more than that and plan on keeping you around for a while. i honestly care about all of you and if i don't seem like it sometimes then it's just because i am trapped in my head with a lot of confusion and some rem lyrics and don't know how to get messages out of here yet; writing this tiny little explanation entry has truly been so exhausting it's ridiculous. in fact, it probably would have made more sense to put the energy into writing one half-decent email to one person i owe it to, but this seems like the easier choice right now.

if i could just figure out this teleporting thing, you know? i would show up and hug every one of you and with my other new powers would be able to communicate by touch everything it's important for you to know. which is mostly that i hope you are okay, because you deserve to be. or maybe something else entirely about green apples or light or, in all honest cheesiness, love. maybe just "hope," and nothing else at all.





p.s. i really wish the anonymous commenter on the last entry would explain who he/she is. s, if it was actually you, you never said so the other night &i really would like to know; if this "you" is not him, then i honestly don't have any idea.

p.p.s. /scribble is the one exception to all the other stuff; we're not actually at all close, he just reminds me of someone i couldn't bring myself to cut contact with yet. also not incredibly close to steph, but she has been so vouched for i can't be without her. also, she is australian.

p.p.p.s. SERIOUSLY i don't want anyone to feel badly about this. i still really like you & i'm sure will probably check back in eventually. take care, and be good. xxo

(41 comments) - (Post a new comment)


[info]chirospasm
2005-03-25 12:18 pm UTC (link)
kinda hurt, but whatever-

---

nathan.

(Reply to this) (Thread)
i am totally keeping you on my "interests" list.
[info]subsoil
2005-03-25 08:05 pm UTC (link)
oh, i will still harass the hell out of you on leigh's journal when it's necessary (which, GOD, it seems like it's always freakin necessary) &check back in eventually. DON'T BE SAD THERE IS ALWAYS LOVE etc& also the remaining option of drunken text messaging at some future time.

,
jessica

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[info]vertebrae
2005-03-25 02:12 pm UTC (link)
Aw honey. Jeez. TAKE CARE OF YOU.

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[info]subsoil
2005-03-25 08:06 pm UTC (link)
YOU TOO XXOXOFCH:OIS

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[info]pluckiness
2005-03-25 03:00 pm UTC (link)
I'd post some long reply about how awesome you are, but that would take away serious time that should go towards working on the transportation device.

More later,
Leighbug

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[info]subsoil
2005-03-25 08:09 pm UTC (link)
freakin <3bug

&also i think there is a transportation device that could get me to you called A TRAIN. your email made me feel less like a failure &HAVE FUN WITH YOUR FAMILY &i hope you're having a way awesome day xx xxx

(Reply to this) (Parent)

[info]accrescere
2005-03-25 06:08 pm UTC (link)
'i have been a horrible friend lately to people i care about a whole lot, and i really can't justify not trying to shrink my focus to those who are really important right now.'

fucking ditto.

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[info]subsoil
2005-03-25 08:09 pm UTC (link)
still an understanding. you been okay?

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[info]accrescere
2005-03-25 08:36 pm UTC (link)
always, all ways.

&yes. you??

(Reply to this) (Parent)

[info]save
2005-03-25 06:34 pm UTC (link)
I had fun.

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[info]subsoil
2005-03-25 07:25 pm UTC (link)
fuck! you know, you were one i just sat and went "um, ????" about for a long time because we just never got to KNOW each other, y'know, but you've been so sweet and everything and. man, i freakin hate livejournal. this whole thing has made me feel like crap.

i hope you are okay though? and that you take care of yourself and don't hate me when i feel better and show up at your doorstop wanting to know how you are. BE GOOD TO YOU; you are lovely and talented and smart as whoever it is you need to be.

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[info]save
2005-03-25 10:20 pm UTC (link)
I didn't really understood why it never took-- I always really liked you, and we did exchange occasionally. But for some reason the closeness never happened.

Then again, [info]poemtree and I have been friends for years and years, now, and only in the past year have we finally become close. It takes time, I think.

Be good. Stay sweet, and other yearbookian sentiments.

(Reply to this) (Parent)

[info]ripesuddenly
2005-03-25 08:08 pm UTC (link)
we never did get to know each other, but i just want to say that you're awesome. thank you for all your supportive comments - it always felt like you actually cared.

do what you need to do and take care of yourself :)


xo.
n

(Reply to this) (Thread)

[info]subsoil
2005-03-25 08:39 pm UTC (link)
okay, my astounded "no way, you're still alive!" comments are unnecessary 'cause i went and said the stuff i wanted to on your journal. STAY AWESOME and be well. xo back.

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[info]bieniu
2005-03-25 09:57 pm UTC (link)
do you realize how amazing you are? so many people are so bent on appearing like they don't really care one way or another. about stuff in general. i'm one of them most of the time anymore. you though, you're just like this giant heart that beats like a bass drum. i just love you!

and communication through touch totally needs to be the next evolutionary or scientific advancement, teleporting too, and they should hurry up.

(Reply to this) (Thread)

[info]subsoil
2005-03-25 10:01 pm UTC (link)
GIANT HUG FOR ANNA

i need to go take a shower now. SO MUCH LOVE

(Reply to this) (Parent)

[info]amata_est
2005-03-25 11:51 pm UTC (link)
it was golden.

(Reply to this) (Thread)

[info]subsoil
2005-03-26 02:08 am UTC (link)
i felt really dumb un-adding you when i just added your new journal the other day... sigh. sorry for being retarded; you should continue writing like shock therapy &being super-hot.

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[info]casette_tape
2005-03-26 12:21 am UTC (link)
well okay
i will keep you because i like your pictures

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[info]subsoil
2005-03-26 07:13 pm UTC (link)
that means a lot from you... i adore your photographs. &also your clothing, and the way you hold your body (i enjoy looking at you so much it is probably creepy).

hope you are well.

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[info]amateurnight
2005-03-27 03:18 am UTC (link)
i really totally very like you very much.
we can make a bad friends club
and bake cookies to give out to other bad friends and
talk about confusion and confuse ourselves more
and bang our heads against walls and each others heads
and then just sit quietly
and even listen to rem if you want to

(Reply to this) (Thread)

[info]subsoil
2005-03-27 08:24 pm UTC (link)
i like you a lot, too. i think heads should also be drunkenly banged against irrationally placed, jutting corners; thinking about the pain makes it less! or just changes it into something thought about, &so boxed better! we will defeat pain or just learn it well! i am tired. happy easter? sometimes all i can do lately is sit quietly. i fail at talking lots.

also, i probably will want to listen to rem. especially "hope," lately. hope you are okay?

(Reply to this) (Parent)

[info]paperhouse
2005-03-27 04:05 am UTC (link)
scan the shortwave radio /
its tracking outer rings

(Reply to this) (Thread)
i left a message, but
[info]subsoil
2005-03-27 09:07 pm UTC (link)
everybody hates a bore
everybody hates a drunk

emailing you, parakeet.

(Reply to this) (Parent)

(Screened Post)
Re: apothesis of twentieth century culture
[info]subsoil
2005-03-31 07:24 pm UTC (link)
okay anon, from what you've said here you clearly aren't someone i know (or who knows me). please stop being childish so that i don't have to block anonymous commenting? xo.

&also? none of this had anything to do with you; it has to do with my real friendships with real people. i'm sorry if i come across as being the sort of horrid thing you're talking about here but i honestly don't believe i am. though sometimes, lately, maybe another horrid thing altogether.

(Reply to this) (Parent)

[info]harbours
2005-03-31 11:11 pm UTC (link)
It'll be okay, Jessica.

(Reply to this) (Thread)

[info]subsoil
2005-04-01 02:40 am UTC (link)
you sound like you're waiting to end. i feel like i should be sayinga gain & again to you "sorry"

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(Anonymous)
2005-04-01 02:23 am UTC (link)
meh ha.
dont recieve zis incorrectly
you are a good girl and dezerve much. $$
no worries little crow.
no substitute for a healthy smile, yes?
vee meen no Harm.
does not everyone vant a splinter to show zeir friendz?
i thot you vould be entrigued
vee vill crawl back to vere vee belonck
enjoi yourself! you Deserrve it.

(Reply to this) (Thread)

(Anonymous)
2005-04-01 02:25 am UTC (link)
vee guees vee dont know you, zen, yes?
appologies al a round!

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[info]subsoil
2005-04-01 02:38 am UTC (link)
i'm sorry, i just don't understand &am very tired

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(Anonymous)
2005-04-01 01:45 pm UTC (link)
goodnite zen little crow
goodbye

(Reply to this) (Parent)

[info]tomwalker
2005-04-09 06:50 pm UTC (link)
Miss Hallock,

I miss you very, very much. I know we don't talk so much, but I've actually been hanging in a suspended state wondering when your next comment would appear in my journal.

You're an awesome girl, Miss Hallock.

Did I ever tell you how insanely jealous of you Sybil was? She drove all the way to my house from Erie, PA one time just to ask me if I was cheating on her with you (a five hour drive for one question). It was a crazy time. I don't think that you and I even hung out much that summer. I kinda' remember telling you something about that.

Anyway, good luck with your soul-searching/getting back on track...you've always been a great friend to me...far better than I deserve.

Take care of yourself and be well.

Dobler.

(Reply to this) (Thread)

[info]subsoil
2005-04-15 09:11 am UTC (link)
the whole sybil-jealousy thing really baffled me, then & now; you had mentioned the five hour out-of-the-blue drive before, but i didn't know it was for that purpose. just. odd, i guess (though i will admit to being incredibly glad that your relationship with her is over). i'm sorry if i caused you any problems during that time, as we were seeing each other so rarely that i'm assuming she intercepted an email or two & took my comfort level with you as meaning something far more "sinister," i suppose, when really it's just that you're AWESOME (i hope the fact that you already used that word doesn't cheapen it? because you totally are) & make me feel like i can talk about things... probably to an extremely unnecessary & ridiculous point.

i worry about whether or not i've taken advantage of that in the past? & really hope not. i mean, you have spent more time than anyone should ever have to spend around drunk-jessica (which anyone who has met intoxicated-me knows is about five minutes, but whatever)... just, i value your friendship a hell of a lot &hope i've never done anything to abuse or mistreat it. you seem so concerned about giving more to than you receive from individuals / society / the world that it would be really easy in interacting with you to, ah, just take a fuck of a lot. & i don't want to be that way.

also glad to hear you've been having a better time in edinborough-land, because you deserve wonderful friends & lots of music & to meet your own standards of success & satisfaction with your writing in every medium & peace, even, &the closer you get to all of those things the better.

anyway, i'm sleepy &rambling right now, so i should cut this short (which probably means at least another MASSIVE paragraph)... are you going to be in town for the entire weekend? because i don't want to steal any prime drinking/music-with-orrin time from you, but if you'd be willing to share any of it i'd really like to see you. it'd also be good to see orrin before he goes... i never really ended up hanging out with him, besides when we'd run into each other various places (&then at least one of the two of us was usually a little wasted), but he's an absolute darling; it's kinda sad saying goodbye to the possibility of his stumbling little self showing up whenever i'm out (at least for the next while).

so yeah. call or text (NO SUCH THING AS TOO RISQUE) or whatever, & take care of you, dobbel. say "hi" to rach for me if you guys talk... i like her.

,
[hessica j]

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[info]tomwalker
2005-04-19 03:37 am UTC (link)
Is that a Karlheinz Stockhausen pin?

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[info]subsoil
2005-04-19 10:35 am UTC (link)
YOU'RE ALIVE!! goddamn faulty fortune cookies (unless this is dobler from the afterlife?).

and yes, of course it is.

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[info]freya
2005-04-14 10:58 am UTC (link)
hi magic. just checking in. i probably meant to write you an email but nothing in my life ever actually happens outside my head so you know, it's coming one day, and in some times/perceptions i've already written and sent it. turns out i am a closure addict. anyway hugs and drunken stumbling xoxo

(Reply to this) (Thread)
sandpaper time grinding down
[info]subsoil
2005-04-15 10:01 am UTC (link)
i am so glad to hear from you & yet am surprised i'm actually responding to this right now as i've had a RIDICULOUS amount of trouble with saying/typing anything at all lately, but i seem to have fallen into the right mindset or something in this particular moment&. dunno.

i've been wondering about you but haven't made contact because of the aforementioned communication block, which is getting ridiculous & inexcusable (unexcusable?... no, "in") in ways; i've even lost track of most of the friends it should be hard to avoid at all in this tiny little town due to an apparent apathy that closely borders (& possibly crosses over into?) flat-out irresponsibility & neglect. really, i'm a weak & tired person a lot of the time & people probably shouldn't waste their time with me, especially since those i tend to seek out most often are awesome enough that they deserve much better.

& all of that sounds like stupid, whiny, self-deprecating shit, but i truly only feel comfortable interacting with people when i'm put together enough to actually offer something, & there are few people - maybe two (somewhat emotionally and quite geographically) close friends & often not even them - i feel i have much/anything to offer to right now. i'm sorry for that. it becomes so daunting a task to get around to contacting friends (or just people i respect & value? i guess "friends" works?) i honestly care so much about just to say, "hey, sorry, but i'm not fit for interaction right now!" without making it sound like a cry for help, which it really isn't, because this is stuff i've got to take care of (&i think probably am managing to take care of) on my own anyway, you know?

out of anyone i think you would understand worrying about a sense of obligation in dealing with friends, & i'm afraid that if i appear around and accessible in times of weakness then people will feel obligated to... well, attempt to access me. &that makes it easier &, i think, almost more responsible to avoid them completely, allow them to get on with their lives, etc... which could also just be me being horrible in ways, but i haven't really decided enough to change that course of action yet. it's like, if i'm depressed & a depressed person calls me, i have no problem honestly attempting to help; if a happy friend calls when i'm depressed, i feel guilty & like i need to either feign happiness or make up an excuse to avoid any contact at all. frustrated with not wanting to be dishonest OR a burden, & finding it impossible to acheive both; is there any other way to go about this that doesn't seem like such an abandonment? & why do i analyze EVERYTHING like this all the time, to a point of near paralysis when it comes to even the most minute decision-making, the drawing of the simplest conclusions? also, can complete honesty be acheived with ANYONE without being a massive fucking burden on him/her, & is the prospect of that sort of understanding & openness enough to justify putting a "loved" one through that sort of pain? assuming that i can presume to "love" someone i'm not willing to work to establish that sort of relationship with, but when honesty hurts more than consideration i have trouble being presumptuous enough to think that sort of love would then be appropriate to bestow on anyone i really care about... i'm so tired right now i can't even tell if my sentences make sense, & i may have had more to drink than i thought. shit.

(Reply to this) (Parent)

[info]subsoil
2005-04-15 10:01 am UTC (link)
whatever. mostly, we both need to be wall painters & if i go to australia (my bestest, favoritest girl in the whole world is going to be there in july) i want to meet you. actually, it just occurred to me that you might still be irritated with me; i can't remember. i hope "closure" doesn't mean that a closing is imminent. immInent. i keep second guessing my spelling skills, but i think they're okay. this should probably be an email ¬ an lj comment, but i'm way too tired to do anything about that right now & birds are chirping and stuff so i really need to go sleep. i honestly hope you're okay and just realized that all my rambling about an attempt at something other than self-involvement developed into a self-involved rant. EVERYTHING IS SO FUCKING CIRCULAR &i often feel defenseless against my own.. futility? something. & i really care about a lot of people, and fucking worry about them to the point of helplessness and want to be something to ease all of the shit for them, but then worry that's just to fuel my own basic &self-involved desire to be a "good" person & so end up frightened to do anything. i seriously must be drunk. just wanting to turn something around.

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[info]subsoil
2005-04-24 06:33 am UTC (link)
..i shouldn't be allowed to drink. or, ah, talk.

sorry.

(Reply to this) (Parent)(Thread)

[info]freya
2005-04-24 12:38 pm UTC (link)
hey! bring it back! hah now i know how it feels to have the links the words the feelings just, deleted on you. if i ever write on this site again, EVER, i'll not delete, i promise.

so anyway. my life is sort of on hold. & the closure thing wasn't me ditching you it was me briefly describing events up until then--- that being, my feeding off closure from certain men and so making closure MORE than just closure and really building a relationship out of the goodbye, so to speak. sort of desperatelike. i feel ageless. sunless. kind of like i'm standing in between two kinds of light and they're shining but not touching me and i'm holding my hands out (it's a vision i have in my head, here, see) as if i'm holding them up, and space is flat, black, and if i move it'll shatter, and i couldn't move even if i wanted everything to shatter. yeah you're not the only one who can ramble drunkenly. and talk. i'm going to be lonely forever jess i know it i just know it. you should listen to that van morrison song 'who was that masked man', it will be as if you are listening to me, really.




should we like, pick daisies or something? watch the seasons shift? act like we were never here at all?

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[info]subsoil
2005-04-24 06:38 pm UTC (link)
i screen WAY more than i delete. &will say more when i'm actually going to be home for more than a tiny bit. x

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