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Wednesday, June 10th, 2009
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8:48 pm - 2
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started feeling sick the last few days of may, yesterday marked a week since i could eat
solid food. occasionally manage a few bits of rice, oat water, juice, the longest i've gone
without drinking since i was maybe fourteen? which is funny, a little endearing i think.
everything hazy. & not hungry anymore, or wanting to read, or thinking. i have medicine & my
stomach doesn't hurt, but food won't stay there. so i go to work & i come home, wander around
the yard quiet as a cat, slip through spaces. little snippets of thought drift in & out
without context. words slide off. so i will email the sort of people i email, soon. but for
now yknow, w/ a blank stare. but not unhappily. so much lightning lately, to sit under. ok.
current music: rain 4 dayz
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(5 comments | comment on this)
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| Thursday, April 23rd, 2009
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1:36 am - my laptop is fixed &&
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| Monday, October 13th, 2008
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1:40 pm
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| Wednesday, October 1st, 2008
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4:22 pm - genuinely curious
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so at the risk of sounding awfully ridiculous:
how would you like to be living your life? assume you've the drive, the assistance,
the space, the time, the collaboration, the whatever. be as idealistic & as
thorough as you'd like. add things as you think of them. or, uh, don't.
comments screened, unless you'd rather not. lots of x, i hope we all talk soon.
current mood: happy birthday, m.
current music: honey, cotes-du-rhone
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(11 comments | comment on this)
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| Friday, April 11th, 2008
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4:37 pm - snow
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| Tuesday, February 14th, 2006
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1:45 am
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happy valentine's day, kiddos.. mentioning as a so much love for you all, wish i could talk about it, hope you know? kinda thing. xxo
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(6 comments | comment on this)
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| Friday, July 29th, 2005
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12:36 am
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BRYONY & JESSICA BUM AROUND A COUNTRY PT 2
this year, my turf..
august 3-5 - dc
august 6-7 - baltimore / other parts of maryland?
august 8-10 - nyc
august 11-14 - philly
august 15-18 - home
AUGUST 18TH - music at my house! if you actually see me, come come come
august 19-21 - boston
august 22-25 - ? make your town our favorite. HURRY
i realize this is just the north-east and not really a full country, per se, but you get the drift.
if you live in any of these places and want to see us (which you clearly should) or get us drunk or let
us sleep on your floor or anything at all, let me know... i've already talked to the dailien & emma, but
there are others of you (uh, leighbug???), so, yes.
also debating a follow-up seattle/vancouver/californa trip in september because there are julias and
mikls over there i haven't hugged or even spoken to in quite a while, and a gabi right IN seattle i think,
and a raoul who i'd like to write letters to while sitting across from him at a table. (alicia & i could drink tea
& later maybe amend the disastrous absence of a stoned anna/april duo in the world..) sometimes i worry
about money that i don't have & all the things i ought to be doing to stop myself from all this floundering
& indecision, but then sometimes i think about time and truly good friends and how little i have of each,
how little anyone can have of each. just understand when i am quiet that i have been trying to live fully
in this place and world and it's often hard & often takes me from some of those i care about while
solidifying my life as a concrete part of certain others... (psst - steph & carrie? even quiet, still so much <3)
but if i have loved you, i love you, & you should smack me around if i ever lead you to any doubt.
if i haven't written your name, i hope you know it's all meant to you as well. my missing freya, the newly
peaceful georgia, lynn off doing who-knows-what by now.. russel's worried heart. i do think of all of you.
i don't know why even writing just this was so hard.
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(15 comments | comment on this)
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| Thursday, July 7th, 2005
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10:48 am - from a window
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hate to update this thing when there are so many people i haven't contacted in eons on livejournal, but i wanted to say i really hope all of the uk-kids are alright... i was mostly worried about bryony, as i knew she was in london picking up her boy-thing, but she's okay (though they were on the tube a stop away when everything hit at kings cross, which, i mean, mmf), & sam is okay, and jo, toby; i can't think of anyone else who would have been anywhere near london, & i hope that's the case for all of you of those you care about... i don't know. i hope everyone's well.
love & concern & best wishes & what a ridiculous world,
jessica
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| Friday, May 6th, 2005
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12:00 am - even when you make me feel alone!
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| Friday, March 25th, 2005
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6:39 am - ...
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okay, so i just cut my friends list drastically (considering multiple accounts i guess down to maybe 15 of you?) and even though i realize it's inane lj politics i still feel like i need to say something about it.. which is basically that i have been a horrible friend lately to people i care about a whole lot, and i really can't justify not trying to shrink my focus to those who are really important right now.
anyone who has been on my list thing at any point in time was there because i think he/she is a fantastic, talented person and i STILL think you're really neat and have bookmarked your lj to check out in the future when i am more capable of that sort of thing... but i am probably removing you because i don't think we're very close or are going to be very close or even that you want to be very close, and i'm realizing i can't afford to have distractions like that overwhelming me to a point that it contributes to my being a bad friend to people who i have that closeness with now.
this sounds too complicated. the point is that i like all of you guys, and even though it's just livejournal? i don't want any hard feelings bouncing around out there in the internet world; this is just me trying to get back on track.
part two to this is that i really, really am SO SORRY to the rest of you because i've been completely horrid lately and i don't know how to fix it except by trying to straighten out some of my own tangled mess of thread before being in more frequent contact with other people again (i think sometimes, feeling really alone can help clarify things). i like you guys probably more than i should for your being "internet friends," but that's because i consider you to be more than that and plan on keeping you around for a while. i honestly care about all of you and if i don't seem like it sometimes then it's just because i am trapped in my head with a lot of confusion and some rem lyrics and don't know how to get messages out of here yet; writing this tiny little explanation entry has truly been so exhausting it's ridiculous. in fact, it probably would have made more sense to put the energy into writing one half-decent email to one person i owe it to, but this seems like the easier choice right now.
if i could just figure out this teleporting thing, you know? i would show up and hug every one of you and with my other new powers would be able to communicate by touch everything it's important for you to know. which is mostly that i hope you are okay, because you deserve to be. or maybe something else entirely about green apples or light or, in all honest cheesiness, love. maybe just "hope," and nothing else at all.
p.s. i really wish the anonymous commenter on the last entry would explain who he/she is. s, if it was actually you, you never said so the other night &i really would like to know; if this "you" is not him, then i honestly don't have any idea.
p.p.s. /scribble is the one exception to all the other stuff; we're not actually at all close, he just reminds me of someone i couldn't bring myself to cut contact with yet. also not incredibly close to steph, but she has been so vouched for i can't be without her. also, she is australian.
p.p.p.s. SERIOUSLY i don't want anyone to feel badly about this. i still really like you & i'm sure will probably check back in eventually. take care, and be good. xxo
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(41 comments | comment on this)
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| Saturday, March 12th, 2005
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3:43 pm - .
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an apology to april, and frey &alicia, georgia leigh anyone else who's tried to talk to me lately (or who i've tried to talk to &then quieted). none of this has anything to do with any of you, or anybody here. hope you're all well &sorry when i'm not the best kind of friend.
.
&some people smoke to get somewhere. to see things differently or to get more lost. but i guess the thing is that i'm always lost lately? &this is the one time i can't help it. it gets me quiet, because there's a thick layer between me and the other parts and normally i can force through, i can say hello and how are you and right now it's too far. there is the snow outside the window there are cats purring like battleships there is no Saturday Afternoon or lightbulb. or maybe a lightbulb, but in a different way.
but see, i don't want to force through. i want to stay here. your heartbeat doesn't make my heart beat anymore &there is no use faking. you are less than what i made you once. everything knows.
stuck in an odd place. for days like a head full of drowning rats but they've settled now, they're probably curled around each other somewhere near the bottom. they said it's okay, it doesn't matter what you are. showed me no thing stays afloat for long. &your brother is in the next room he is talking before he is playing piano. you are trying to write him down before he finishes the song, and you make your hands stop. what is happening here what have you ruined. remember the beauty is outside you because if you forget? your ugliness will climb into everything. so many holes.
soon the dark places mounting and one more winter survived is very little consolation. you can't give the snow nods of acknowledgement. you can't be cordial. so he survived one more winter slicing himself open - for what warmth. for what. he is crying on the phone and when it snows i see the edge of a blade in every glittering flake. moon lighting up drifts like the strip, like the coke just started falling from the sky, &if you go out there you'll get lost in the lights. keep waiting for the blood to freeze &it never does before they or you are pulling yourself back in again, before the snow angel game stops being cute because you're drunk and cold and bluefaced and everyone wants to make you coffee but where are they. a second later gone.
at dresden's we play scrabble and my letters are swimming. i am seeing "raven" and "ravine" and "veneer" but when i reach out i can't put them in the right order, i can't make anything. it has been so long since i have made anything of worth. there is a flash where i see myself throwing my body like a scrabble letter at the place where the walls jut out in a corner, and my body does not ricochet but breaks. hundreds of pieces to put on the board. &then i shake my head and spell "ice" using someone else's "c" because i can't do anything more right now, because i am frigid and frozen solid and can laugh til tears but still be out to sea.
the nights then somehow the worst because you start seeing everything. because there is too much quiet for drowning yourself out.. &so writing becoming a suffocation. lying awake at night crying for the stories. they are not real they are not real it's not real still just alone with an oblivious new body &crying. it is all so real. staring at the ceiling. &we are nothing as easy as good or bad, just.. composing everything, &finally myself.
something ends, then, and you wonder how long since you cried for anything but the stories. there is noone left sitting beneath your ribcage who you think of without effort. there is noone in this world who you want. this broken vase place and it is a vase more broken than anything, glass littering once safe floors, but needing the hope for that bigger story and something better or not, even something worse but.. tangible, maybe. needing to be held by more than your nothing at all.
still i don't want to go back there. i am getting lost, again and again, in the slightest frayed end: i am afraid if you go, it will not be the death of me. head full of unescapable retellings and what will never be released. i will poem myself into the ground with what i would have asked once, with what made you think your wrists reversed apples, your white exposed, your rotting before eyes &always dying to slice them open. to find that smoother skin. with daisies on the carpet choking like fish, with how many things will never be held... until the head a foggy mess. &still the drowning rats.
thorn in paw. the dreams where even my death is averted by my own horrid mistakes. an image of our hearts crystallized as our lungs.
oh, poets
you finally wrote it
this sought pain insurmountable
no line to make it finish
no sorrow left unsaid
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(7 comments | comment on this)
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subsoil's journal
